Before any tips, it's important to say that irritability is not a feeling to be classified as good or bad. It's not something to be sought, eliminated, or controlled. Treat irritability as a message from your body telling you that something is happening that you consider wrong. Since it's a message, the best thing to do is receive it and process it in the best possible way.
When facing irritability, there are many strategies we can use to deal with the situation in that moment. They are divided into two categories:
- Natural responses
- Intentional responses
Natural responses
As the name suggests, natural responses are those we take naturally "without thinking." Such responses are destructive (generally, for everyone involved) and should be replaced with intentional responses.
- suppress
- be passive-aggressive
- undermine
- argue
- scold
- yell
- lash out
- insult
- use physical force
Suppress
Avoiding feeling or acting on the emotion being experienced.
Be passive-aggressive
Taking actions that have disguised aggressiveness.
Undermine
Taking action to make someone weaker, usually in a secret or gradual manner.
Argue
Disagreeing in a way that can escalate the conflict.
Scold
Verbally opposing in a way that escalates the disagreement.
Yell
Losing control of speech; speaking loudly and possibly in a higher pitch.
Lash out
Expressing anger by being in a bad mood.
Insult
Criticizing the other person in an offensive way that can escalate the conflict instead of resolving it.
Use physical force
Physically attacking someone.
Intentional responses
Unlike natural responses, these are done intentionally, meaning you are aware of what you will do. Here there are 6 options:
- Breathe deeply
- Step away and take a break
- Change perspective
- Set boundaries and be firm
- Distract yourself
- Avoid or remove triggers
Breathe deeply
Just as we have the power to move a part of our body, we also have the power to calm our body. Let me repeat, because perhaps you didn't give it due importance: we have the power to activate the system that calms the body!
Deep breathing is exactly how to do this. However, there's an important difference: while you can move a part of your body in the same second, calming the body takes a bit longer (a few minutes). You can search for "parasympathetic nervous system" if you want to understand more deeply why we are this way.
To apply the deep breathing technique, read this article.
Step away and take a break
To prevent the situation from getting out of control, one strategy is to remove yourself from the situation that is irritating you and take a mental and physical break.
At this moment, you can try one of the following techniques:
Change perspective
The strategy is to identify and then change the way situations, experiences, events, ideas, and/or emotions are viewed. Often they are seen in a way that doesn't benefit you.
If you're in a conflict with someone, you can think it's you against the other person, or you can think it's you and the other person against the situation. The first view puts you in a competition where for one to win, the other has to lose. The second view enables greater collaboration and the search for a satisfactory solution for both sides.
If someone did something you didn't like, did they do it to irritate you, or were they lacking knowledge to do that task? While the first scenario makes the person bad/irresponsible, the second scenario makes the person someone who needs to learn something. Having a broader perspective makes it possible to have more patience with each other.
Besides seeing things in a harmful way, we often see situations in an incorrect/false way. For example, "My husband did that again, so he'll never change." People are constantly changing. In fact, every 7 years all the cells in our body change. There are countless cases of people who change in the most diverse ways, regardless of age. Therefore, this thought is false and the problem with it is that it makes us lose hope. If something doesn't change, then there's nothing to be done. If there's nothing to be done, it's best to give up.
At Vigilantes do Sono we have the technique of challenging negative thoughts, which helps identify distorted thoughts and analyze them in a more realistic way.
Set boundaries and be firm
Generally, irritability occurs because some value of yours was disrespected. Someone (or you) did something you consider wrong and/or unfair. What value is that? Why is it important for everyone to respect that value?
The strategy is to be firm and make clear which behaviors are not tolerated and the reasons for this. This strategy is especially useful if you're the type who suppresses your irritability.
There are important points here:
- Setting boundaries is not threatening, showing who's in charge, or punishing (e.g., "Do this, or else..."). It's educating and showing the possible choices and their consequences (e.g., "If you do X, then Y. If you do Z, then W).
- Being firm is not yelling or any other natural responses mentioned above. It's stating your points with clarity, confidence, and simplicity.
- You can't force someone to do something. You can do everything you can, but ultimately it's the other person who makes the move, so set boundaries by showing reasonable and realistic options and consequences. Above all, be aware that the boundaries you set can be crossed. Forgetting this is the recipe for frustration.
Distract yourself
The strategy is to divert the mind's attention from the thoughts and emotions of that moment. This is useful in situations where we cannot (due to lack of time or ability) deal with the situation.
At Vigilantes do Sono we recommend the thought stopping technique to do this.
Avoid or remove triggers
Something that helps a lot is identifying exactly what triggers your irritability. What exactly happens that irritates you? If you discover this, you can find ways to avoid or even remove that trigger. For example, if something that irritates you is a discussion on social media, then why would you use your phone close to bedtime? It's certain that this will irritate you and keep you awake. By identifying how your irritability works, you can create internal and/or external mechanisms to not feel it at inappropriate times.
What do I do with all this?
Now that you know the different strategies to be taken, it's worth reflecting:
- Which of the "natural responses" do you normally use?
- Is it possible to replace them with one of the "intentional responses"? Which one(s)?
Answer in the comments 😉
